I love to tell a story but I wish I didn’t have ta
Tell the one about the day when I went on X Factor…
There I was on the stage, the audience listening
Ant and Dec weren’t there (they were snogging in the wings)
Before I’d even started, the dreaded voice it came – trousers right up to the nipples he seemed to know my name:
“HOW DARE YOU COME AND PLAY MY GAME” He roared “YOU’RE NOT HOT ENOUGH TO WIN OR UGLY ENOUGH TO ENTERTAIN”
Apoplectic and insane from years in the music industry, he continued his tirade of misery: “YOU STAND HERE BEFORE ME WITH ACTUAL SKILL? YOU’LL REGRET THE DAY YOU’D EVER BEEN BORNED”
“Simon, I don’t tink that’s a word” Says Louis Walsh.
“SHUT YOUR IRISH FACE!” Came the reply. Then Sharon looked shocked as he climbed on stage and pissed right in my eye.
I walked off ashamed from the jeering crowd – they say hell is other people: It’s not, it’s Simon Cowell.